The Golden Unicorn
by nerdyguy
Summary: A pulp-style detective story centered around a Golden Unicorn.


Chapter One

Mike Spade sat at his messy desk, levitating his flask to his lips. Boy, what a tough couple of weeks it was. He just completed a tough case involving the Pegasus Mafia, a Nuclear Magic Device, and a crazy bastard who enjoyed killing Earthies. And all his client hired him for was to find his dog. How did he keep getting involved in this shit? One plus-side to this job was the lack of boredom that he had the past couple of years. With all the shoot-outs, hold-ups, and kidnappings he endured since he became involved in the private-eye business, he had more than enough excitement for one lifetime.

Mike's secretary walked in with a letter in her mouth. Mike hated how Peggers and Earthies always carry things around in their mouth. It was fucking disgusting. Why can't they just go back where they came from? Mike took the letter from his secretary's mouth and floated it to his desk. "Thanks doll," he said, just to be polite.

"I have a name, you know." The Pegger snapped back. Mike started to read the letter, ignoring his secretary as usual. She stomped back to her desk in frustration.

_Dear Mike Spade,_

_The worst possible thing that could ever possibly happen happened to me this morning! I had just awoken from my beauty sleep to find my beautiful home completely ransacked! When I checked to see if anything was missing, my beautiful golden, jewel encrusted statue of my victorious defeat of that horrible monster Discord was gone! That statue was worth over one million bits! I read all about you putting that awful Unicorn Supremacist in jail, I'm sure you can help me!_

_Sincerely,_

_Rarity._

Mike couldn't believe that he had to help a dame who actually uses the term "beauty sleep". But he still couldn't resist a chance to meet one of the famed Elements of Harmony. He was only pony, after all.

Mike took a cab to a small village called ponyville. It looked way too happy and quaint here. The kind of place where ponies break into musical numbers every now and then.

Mike found Rarity's house. It was a nice house, at least it would be if the burglar didn't mess it up so badly. Mike saw a white Unicorn, crying like a baby on a couch in the middle of the room. A good-looking broad, too. But, if Mike learned anything over the years, it was to never trust a pretty face.

Mike walked over to her and placed his hoof on her shoulder in an attempt to appear like he cared. "Is there anything else you need to tell me before I start investigating? Any ponies you know who would do such a crime to you, for instance?" He asked.

Rarity wiped away the tears from her face with a floating tissue and replied, "Oh, I don't know! I just woke up this morning to find my place in a mess and my precious Golden Unicorn missing! I don't know anypony who would be so rude and inconsiderate as to actually break into my home! I feel so violated! So vulnerable! So, so... Wahhhhhh!" She covered her face in the couch and sobbed loudly.

Mike couldn't believe he had to help this crybaby drama queen, but her money was as good as anypony else's. Mike pulled out his notepad and started taking notes. "Can you describe what this 'Golden Unicorn' looked like?"

Rarity pulled her face out of the cushions. "W-well, it was about 12 inches tall, it was made from pure gold, and it was covered in diamonds. It was absolutely gorgeous, and it was given to me from Princess Celestia herself! Oh, and she mustn't find out that glorious statue got stolen! She would have my head for it!" She begged.

"All this information is strictly confidential between us, you have my word." Mike said as he finished writing down the description in his notepad. "Now, before I start looking for clues, are you sure you don't know any ponies that are after that statue? Any noted criminals around these parts?"

Rarity thought for a moment. "Well, there is this rather shady looking fellow I haven't been seeing around here until a couple days ago. He was a black Pegasus with a brown mane. I could've sworn he was following me around, but I thought I was just being paranoid. Oh, I wish I could tell you more about him!"

"Where has he been following you? To the store? At work?"

"I don't know! I just sometimes see him standing around looking at me! I just try to ignore him! If I find out he stole my precious gold unicorn, I'll-"

Mike started to ignore her whining and began looking around her house. He saw a pedestal in the middle of the living room knocked on it's side. Is that honestly where she kept the Golden Unicorn? It's almost like she wanted the thing to be stolen. He also saw that her all her wardrobes and closets were opened and looked through. It was possible it was just a random break-in.

Rarity started yelling at Mike about how he wasn't paying attention to her. He interrupted, "Are there any bars around here?"

"What in Equestria does that have to do with anything?" Rarity yelled back.

"I always find out a lot about crimes in bars. What's the shadiest place in Ponyville?"

"Well, there is a down the street called Pink Horses, it's the only bar I know."

"It will have to do" Mike said, then left.


End file.
